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It is winter.


I am Valeria

I am a plague

I go through rapid cycling of materialism and anti-materialism

It changes month by month

I am type o negative

I give to all

But only those like me can give to me.

It is a sad but beautiful truth.

In my make-up bag

Is hidden

A pregnancy test.

A beer opener.

I need a breathalyzer to erase my anxiety;

Driving on highways at night

The barely lit streets.

I swerve when I am sober.

Bruised lips.

Dry hips.

I hardly notice the snow anymore.

Let’s make out and listen to Slow Dive

In your foggy looking dim-lit bedroom

While the spring creeps nearer.

I want to do this so bad!!!!!


Photo Intern

About the internship
As a Nerve photo intern, you will help with all aspects of editorial production for the online magazine: researching new talent, calling in books, editing and formatting images, organizing the archives and photo library, brainstorming future story ideas, and organizing shoots. The position is hands-on, and is a good entry to the photo editorial world.

Who we're looking for
College students and recent graduates who can work two full days a week in our Manhattan office. Applicants should be psyched about Nerve.com, and the subject matter we cover: sex, relationships and culture. Our original, edgy coverage of photography, film, books, TV and music receives half a million unique readers per month.

You are interested in photo editing, and are plugged into the photo scene. Ideally, you're a photographer yourself. You're well rounded — you can appreciate Vice and Suicide Girls, but you also hit the gallery scene.

Stipend
This is an unpaid internship.

How to apply
Email "photo[at]nerve.com" with the following documents:

  • A cover letter describing yourself and what you would bring to Nerve’s photo department, and how a Nerve internship relates to your future goals. Please also include a link to your own photographic work, a list of your favorite photographers and name your favorite publications, photo and otherwise.
  • A resume

Please send attachments in Word or Rich Text format.

Deadlines
Nerve is now accepting applications for Winter 2009; the sooner, the better.


BUT I'm not in Manhatten!!!
Should I do this? I want to someday. The sooner the better!

 

*^%^%$#^

hi, my eyes are swollen today. i think it's an allergy. it must be something i ate. actually i think i'm dying. well, my face is all fucked up. what could it be?!? god, i wish i was a doctor.

yoga and pilates drinking mocha lattes

ahhhhh

my family is so diverse and strange and complicated. even if they are only temporary family. ughf. i feel nauseus. I am taking health supplements, but are they working? i am taking digestive enzymes to help with my bloating. I am going to yoga and pilates. goodbye.

extrinsic

mirror neurons
a thought for today.

i have been dragged through the mud of youth
the desolation of survival
the desperation of fleeting youth

let us bathe in rivers of chaos
until our skins fall off
we will be more beautiful.

but I like being numb


 

I have dissociated and decayed away

Where have I been?

I have discarded my filthy skin.

Running on low empty

I have

Lost most of everything

Ever valuable

Least used

What I have read I forgot.

 

Months ago I could still feel

Covering up my eyes

With film reels.

 

I can’t even do that.

 

Let my roots dangle down

To open sores

No more stereotypes

I will implore no further.

 

When I sit down to the.

Neon lights burn my arteries

In entrails

In entrails

it shuts down.

 

A savage creation

No more

No more

 

Words are useless

I have found traps in my own mind

To bind me in my troubles

I have opened my mouth for the last time.

 

Lets see

Lets see

I cant eat

There are no more ways out

I will say the same thing over and over in 5,000 variations

Because it is all I can say

Until I get better.

 

When I am a robot

I am fed prescription

S

I am tired of this

I am too tired to realize I let my life slip away

I awaken frail and puffy

I am dark clouds; I get dizzy upon standing

 

I have been gone so long

I am weeping for the lost words

I am weeping at lost repetition

It means nothing

Because my thoughts are one track

They do not wander

Anymore

They stay in place

An empty place

No joy no wonder.

when you go away

i am big boned and fey.

in the dirt of the day

and in the dust of the day.

analog box


today I learned about:

binaural beats!

today

I am trying to make a big decision.

today I am scared of failure.
binaural beats. neurofeedback. brainwave entrainment.

Electroencephalography.

delta.theta.alpha.beta.gamma. sound! biological artifacts. look! I heard the ocean today.
 
Electromagnetic resonance

oh my goodness, I am in love, with science.

 
 

generalizations

it's Thanksgving break and I have been doing homework nonstop. And i cant even do it half-assed. It has to be actually good because my professor is so stuck up with all these proper english rules and nonsense. Well, those rules never helped anyone achieve anything worthwhile!
I am in Ohio. Home. Old home. my sweet, loving, quiet, introspective, intelligent family. NOT my New Home, intense, extrovert, loud, emotional, temper problems.
Where is MY radical transformation?
Why is it that artists all have to suffer to be meaningful? Why do they have to encounter death and hardship to be influenced, and then kill themesleves to become famous?
We are sensitive people.
I came to my old home expecting to find my old old self, or soemthing buried in the past. I found nothing. I looked everywhere and I found a void. What am I looking for??