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increasing complexity

I am perplexed. I made artwork, it is not much, but it is a big change. I am practicing witchcraft again. I am in anguish over the profundity/absurdness/cruelty of my life! Oh, what may I do? Everything returns to the same streams. Everything moves in one constant circle. I cant break out. Can I? Am I? Is Am I going somewhere? Nowhere? Up? Down? Up and Down? meaning? nothing? something!
I got assigned Lexapro today.

When SSRIs drive up serotonin, users feel numb and their emotions are blunted. SSRIs may block your ability to feel love. SSRIs work by raising your levels of serotonin, but they also lower levels of dopamine. Dopamine is the neurotransmitter responsible for all those feel-good emotions you get when you fall in love. When dopamine levels drop and those feelings disappear you may mistakenly believe that your love has also disappeared.
By suppressing dopamine, Fisher argues, drugs like Prozac block your ability to have these feelings, thus making it harder to fall in love and stay in love.
Doctors have been grappling with sexual dysfunction since SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) were introduced in the 1980s. Approximately 70 percent of people taking SSRIs suffer from sexual side effects. But these drugs may also compromise the ability to feel love.

psychiatric side-effects of lexapro include: increased appetite, lethargy, irritability, concentration impaired. Infrequent: jitteriness, panic reaction, agitation, apathy, forgetfulness, depression aggravated, nervousness, restlessness aggravated, suicide attempt, amnesia, anxiety attack, bruxism, carbohydrate craving, confusion, depersonalization, disorientation, emotional lability, feeling unreal, tremulousness nervous, crying abnormal, depression, excitability, auditory hallucination, suicidal tendency.
wtf? No, I don't want it. Why are things this way?
I will/would rather be in love and miserable.
Maybe I will take it in the future. I don't know.

Every time that I stare into the sun

Angel dust and my dress just comes undone.

Friday I went to a drum circle in a city 45 minutes away. It was crazy. They were having this friday fest with tons of people and vendors and crazy drunk old guys. It looked just like Yellow Springs. There were belly dancers and a big variety of African drums. A lot of crazy hippies and good dancers. There was this one girl I danced with whose style was really close to mine and we did this gypsy-punk dance collaboration thing. Then later there was this breakcore/hip hop lady who looked like some bizarre animal dancing. I got sweaty. Some girls where like 'I like her hair', and another one was like 'um, yeah'. idk random.

What makes your heart sing 
You could be experiencing a real creative high point right now. That doesn't necessarily mean you're about to write the great 21st century novel, or discover the secret of teleportation. Being creative can also mean a romantic high, or a period of special emotional intensity, because all these things have to do with expressing whatever makes your heart sing. You might discover something that really gives you joy, and fills you with genuine delight. Such experiences aren't free, however: you might need to cope with some conflict between your own needs and the demands of others. Just at the moment, it might not be a bad idea to put yourself first, and remember what makes you special. Whatever you experience, even if it involves those you love, it's going to highlight what makes you a unique individual.

          The people who enter your life at this time may be quite different from anyone you have known before. Some of these relationships may be quite brief. You may encounter someone for a specific purpose, which you may not be aware of at the time, and once that purpose is accomplished, the relationship ends.
          If a new love interest enters your life at this point, it is likely to be exciting, free and totally unpredictable. Do not make a permanent commitment to it until well after the end of this period, for such a relationship is likely to be very unstable and brief.

I wish I had time right now to write important stuff instead of having to spend all my time writing college papers.

I can't believe I live here

I have a new favorite website! It is the site of my county and it shows everyone who is arrested everyday. It is hilarious!! omg look at these: 


Lewd and lascivious exibition. yum.                                      apparantly this woman is a deadbeat parent.


okay enough of those. these make me want to watch some David Firth videos.

more psychobabble

I am really excited about my psychology paper & presentation on love. I am making this my personal research project. I am reading this really good book by Helen Fisher called why we love, and it talks about human and animal evolution when it comes to reproduction and love. She has these theories like why most couples stay together for about 2-4 years; this is how long it takes to raise a child into infancy. Because women of human and some animal species need protection and someone to bring them food (this is more true for tribal life) when they have an infant child, they pair up with a man to take care of them and the baby until it is weaned and not as burdensome to take care of (about 2-4 years old). But after this time is up, many people get divorced, and many animals split up and lice in solitude once again, or they find a new partner to mate with. This is because we want varied offspring to carry on our genes successfully. Weird!!

Edward Ka-Spel

I think the root of this came from a dream my first wife, Elke, had. Never heard anything so ominous... Waking up, going into the street to find people on the edge of panic but no actual event to warrant it. When she asked somebody what the problem actually was, she received the answer, "Don't you know? Lilith gave second birth..." You could say this dream left a deep impression.

I don't live so well in the real world. The actions of our so-called superiors win no respect from me and sometimes I wonder if there ever was a wise old king, a trusted emperor, a politician who really did care about the people. Then we have the "people." The revolutions, bloody and velvet...and always the stupid lamentable cruelty. If the human race is really at the top of the pyramid then the Universe is in deep trouble. Happily I don't think it is.

Virginia Woolf on love

“But love…it’s only an illusion. A story one makes up in one’s mind about another person. And one knows all the time it isn’t true. Of course one knows; why one’s always taking care to destroy the illusion”.

Personal Daily Horoscope of Friday, 7 November 2008
for Val, born 26 April 1988
A sense of tension***
Valid during many months: This is a time of considerable tension and difficulty in your relationships. Love relationships often cool off and may even break up altogether during this time. You may discover that a love affair wasn't what you thought it was, a rude awakening after a period of lovely illusions. Or you may suddenly lose interest in a relationship that had seemed perfectly viable up until now. Of course, the other person may be the one who leaves you.


Aside from love relationships, there is a sense of tension and a feeling that it is somehow more difficult to relate to people. You may feel that any sort of relationship exists at the cost of your freedom and sense of individuality. Relationships seem to be more trouble than they are worth.


Another effect of this influence may be that "circumstances beyond your control" seem to get in the way of an existing relationship and force it to break up, even though neither of you wants this to happen. But this is almost never what is really happening. Usually one of you has a conscious or unconscious need to withdraw from the relationship, and you subtly maneuver circumstances to make it break up. Or you may be testing the relationship to see how much it can take. A good one will survive and be stronger.


Every relationship must be an honest expression of yourself. But we often get into relationships that have little to do with our true selves, usually because of fear, a need for security, or a sense of personal inadequacy. Relationships sometimes simply outlive their time, and these are the ones that will suffer and perhaps die now. They are at cross purposes to your pursuit of life and self-expression.


Loneliness is a problem at this time, because your need for relationships and your need to be yourself are equally great. Instead of working harmoniously, as they should, they are in conflict. But consciously or unconsciously, the need to be yourself is the greater at this time.

I have never read Marx. Once, I tried, when I was young. It does no good too read such things when one is young. My mother read Marx. She didn't "get it". She is not a "political philosophy" kind of person. My grandfather in Russia is a philosopher. I miss him. Usually I don't understand when he talks about philosophy, in Russian. I understand the words, but it is when they are combined that I am lost. I never learned such concepts in my language. I am estranged. His eyes are brown with blue around. My mom's eyes are starting to do the same thing. I guess it is what happens when we get old. I hope I will have weird blue-brown eyes when I am old too, so that I will also look mysterious and surreal.
My psychologist says I am bipolar. Someone else says I am bipolar. But what does that mean? Saying someone is "bipolar" or "depressed" or "has ____", is like saying you are a dog. Well what does that mean? Well you are furry and have four legs, and a tail, and you are an animal. Well, what if you are actually a cat, or a wolf? or a rabbit? what do these disorder labels mean, and what do they do? You give a kind of drug to someone with ___ and it does not work, so you try five more. Finally, you get a drug that works, but it is not even for your assigned condition. so what does that mean? All these conditions are intertwined and related? I think so. Psychology is so stupid. Why can't it realize it is doing things all wrong? But what can we really do? What is there to do to fix all the broken people? We are all broken in our own way, yet they try to fix us all in the same way. One week I am this, one week I am that. One day I a normal. One day I think of hanging myself.
Some people have a little of everything. Like a mental disorder mixed bag of fun! How does one get stuck with everything? All the symptoms of a broken mind/life.

I am left to figure out my problems on my own.

MMPI in the sky

Today my hair looks like it has grown out a lot. I look older. Last week I took the MMPI-2, and I got some weird results that are probably not accurate and really wierd. It said I has Bipolar Disorder, Schitzo-Affective Disorder, and PTSD. And, I am pretty sure none of those apply to me, and neither does my psych. I only got the schitzo affective one because I put TRUE for 'I think people are always talking about me' because my parents talk about me behind my back a lot, and it made me paranoid. I really haven't had that many "traumatic experiences" that I know about. Geez who knows. I don't even know how I got bipolar. I never get mania. So anways, in summation, Standardized psych tests = expensive & unhelpful; I probably have avoidant / dependant personality type and so I can't just be fixed with drugs.

Anyways, time for work. Arbeit macht frei! (not).

oh, and GOBAMA!! I am sort of proud of our country for this miraculous event.